Platoon of the Dead: a zombie movie?
One of the Netflix reviews for Platoon of the Dead bemoans the senseless killing of innocent bandwidth for the purpose of streaming this movie. They might have a point.
Platoon of the Dead purports to be a zombie movie (or at least the poor bastard at Netflix charged with finding this crapfest a genre thought so), but it might also be a witchcraft movie. The one thing that’s certain is that it’s a terrible movie. I mean it. Normally, I love campy horror–so much so in fact that Netflix shows me a ‘Campy Horror’ section based on my previous tastes. This movie, though, isn’t camp–it’s kindergarten. Everything is badly done, from the lack of any acting skills (it looks like 4 friends with a video camera), to the terrible sets (ground zero for the whole zombie infestation is a small, summer cottage with birdfeeders still hanging from the trees). Apparently, the zombie attack was swift and devastating, as there was no time for either undead or living to damage anything whatsoever. This could be forgiven if the story wasn’t so bad, but it is.
See, we follow three soldiers who decide to hide out in the aforementioned house until their pickup at 0700 hours. They meet three women (at this point, it really seems like it’s gonna be porn. I’m not being mean, but the acting is that bad). Long story short, one of the women is the person that unleashed Satan on the earth to enslave the undead (by mistake), and one of the others is Satan. The girl who unleashed Satan is critically important to the battle between good and evil, at least until she dies and it turns out that she may or may not be critically important. We don’t really find out, but that doesn’t mean it’s the good kind of ambiguous ending, y’know, the kind that makes you think. Nope, this is just the kind of ending that you make because you could only afford one DV tape and it’s running out of room.
(1/5)
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