Why won’t eHarmony reject me?
May 21, 2007 12:48 pm Humor, Musings, Web Programming
You may have seen one of the recent chemistry.com commercials depicting people ‘rejected by eHarmony.’ If you haven’t, here’s one of them: Ok, so the point of this ad series is obviously that eHarmony actually doesn’t let everyone join their dating site, even though they claim to be out to match you with your soulmate based on ‘29 dimensions of compatibility.’ So, is eHarmony saying these people don’t have soulmates? Will no one love them? That seems to be the question asked by the girl in the ad above, and you’ve got to feel sort of bad for her. After all, she’s clearly not freakishly hideous, nor does she seem to have any obvious sociopathic qualities. So what’s going on here?
Well, first I tried to get rejected by eHarmony. After their gazillion question survey, they offered to find me my special someone. Great. Only problem, I’ve been in a relationship for five years now. So, what does it take to get rejected? Many people have alleged racism, or that eHarmony only matches religious people. But that just seems like a quick route to getting sued, so I poked a little deeper on Google, and found this: Why eHarmony Rejected You. You can read the whole article on the site, but the long and short of it is this: eHarmony apparently has standards, and emotionally-broken, committment-phobes apparently don’t make for stable life partners. Here’s an excerpt from the article: Reason #1. You said you are separated or married on page 14. 30% of eHarmony rejects fall into this category, according to a May 2007 article in the Washington Post. Reason #2. You said you are below 21 on page 14. 27% percent fall into this category. Reason #3. You said you were married more than twice on page 14.1 “EHarmony also rejects anyone younger than 60 who’s been married more than four times,†according to the Washington Post article. (The cursed test asks these three items only when you’re almost done.) Reason #4. Your answers don’t tally, i.e., (a) you clicked randomly or (b) for example, you put “1″ under Aloof on page 1, but checked “Outgoing†on page 6. 9% of rejects fall into this category. Reason #5. You scored low on the following traits — eHarmony calls them dimensions: * Self-Concept (how you perceive yourself) It may seem crass, heartless, or even inhuman that, in our touchy-feely society, not everyone can be matched by a dating service promising the personal touch. However, when you think about it, eHarmony has a duty to someone equally important as you: the customer they send on a date with you. And frankly, if you’re an emotional wasteland from the fallout of your third divorce, you may need to just take some time away from the dating scene before throwing yourself at some poor, unsuspecting slob on the other side of the internet-tubes. I think that, were I looking to date online, I’d rather take my chances on a site like eHarmony, where the mercenary work of screening out the true crazies is done for me, than on the sappy, all-inclusive chemistry.com.
* Emotional Status (feeling happy, fulfilled and hopeful)
* Character (honesty and trustworthiness)
* Obstreperousness (the black hole dimension)
* Character (honesty and trustworthiness)2
* Emotion Management: Anger (expressing negative emotions constructively)
* Conflict Resolution (resolving issues).
* Family Background (happy childhood and supportiveness of your parents)
eHarmony Blog :
Date: May 22, 2007 @ 1:05 pm
I should inform your readers that the information you cited from our article is 100% unofficial.
The easiest surefire way to get the rejection message is saying you’re married. That’s it. One wrong answer to one question and the whole exercise becomes another Internet Time-wasterTM.
The people in the commercials and the print ads are all actors. So don’t feel sort of bad with any of them. That’s kind of you though.
Thanks!
eHarmony Blog
eHarmony Blog :
Date: May 22, 2007 @ 3:52 pm
Your question answered: Why eHarmony rejected you…
A search for the phrase “eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system” (an excerpt of eHarmony’s rejection notice) in Technorati, a blog search engine, gives 50 hits in the last 45 days — This means that, once a day, someone…
Alcibiades :
Date: May 23, 2007 @ 7:57 am
Thanks for the caveat. I just read your post on how chemistry.com rejects anyone outside the U.S., and I wanted to say I think it’s good they’re not letting our pure, red American blood be polluted by dirty Canadarians. After all, if you live in Calais, ME, you shouldn’t ever be introduced to people in St. Stephen, NB–they’re from the wrong side of the river–and it certainly wouldn’t make sense to double or triple the number of perspective matches at the risk of cultural cross-contamination.
In all seriousness though, wow, that’s a pretty hypocritical thing to do in the wake of an ‘inclusiveness’ themed ad campaign. I’m willing to propose a trade, though. You can use my sexy American address to sign up for chemistry.com, and I get your Canadian one for online gambling purposes. A win-win!
Anneliese :
Date: May 28, 2007 @ 12:12 am
Don’t be so sure that eHarmony weeds out the crazies for you; my college roommate, who had borderline personality disorder (and had to be forcibly removed from our rental house due to her insane behavior and failure to pay her rent), passed the eHarmony selection process and scored a few dates on there (all of whom she ended up chasing off). A close friend of mine, though, who is quite sane and is remarkably well-adjusted considering all that has happened to her, was rejected by eHarmony for being legally separated. At the time, she was not yet divorced, but her husband had left her for his mistress, and she was ready to move on. She is smart, funny, gorgeous, sweet, sincere, and level-headed. It is obvious to me that this system is flawed, and the eHarmony subscribers are no doubt missing out on being matched with lots of great people, like my friend.
aharmony :
Date: June 5, 2007 @ 7:50 pm
Interested to know more about how and why eharmony rejects people. I met a man on another on-line dating site who said he had been rejected by eharmony. He had money and came across as sweet, caring, kind, generous, etc. It soon became apparent that he was extremely controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive, and not just a little, he turned out to be an extremely dangerous man with a personality disorder and I now have a restraining order against him and am always looking over my shoulder. More sites should do checks and reject the insane. This man is now on just about every site you can imagine.
Sandi :
Date: June 7, 2007 @ 10:28 am
After seeing the ads I had to see for myself if I’d get rejected or not. I have to say that 1st of all to set up an account you have to choose if you are “a man seeking a woman” or “a woman seeking a man”. Now, I am strait but what if I wasn’t? Anyone who isn’t looking for a relationship with the opposite sex can’t possibly want/need/find a good relationship? Hmmmmm
So I answered the profile questions with my honest answers. According to these answers I am an emotionally stable, outgoing, sometimes curious and sometimes content individual. All in all their profile appeared to indicate that I was a pretty well rounded (re: sane) individual. I was rejected. Why? I think it is because I answered that religion/spirituality was important to me but then went on to note that I’m pagan. Maybe this is the reason? I don’t think I’ll ever really know . . . .
Alcibiades :
Date: June 9, 2007 @ 12:33 pm
A couple of things that I’ve noticed in this conversation, and wanted to respond to:
1) While I agree that it’s pretty discriminatory for eHarmony to only offer matchmaking to opposite-sex couples, they do bill themselves as a ‘matrimony’ site, meaning that their prejudice is protected under the same laws that currently prevent homosexual couples from marrying (except of course in Massachusetts).
2) I find it hard to believe that eHarmony would accept atheists, but not pagans. I mentioned that I was strongly un-religious, but did mention that I would accept people from all religions and walks of life. I wonder how much the quiz takes stock of how many matches you’ll be seeing once you’re done, and simply rejects people that it considers ‘too’ unique to be easily matched.
The saga continues…
Jill :
Date: June 17, 2007 @ 1:18 pm
A reject here. I have some experience with psychometric testing, here’s my take on it. If you do not fit well in any of their “categories” you cannot be matched and you will be rejected. This is always a problem when categorizing a “continuum” and imposing boundaries. “In-betweeners” will often have inconsistent responses - this can look like they’re lying or not “self-aware”. For me, that meant I had trouble answering the multiple choice questions - you’re supposed to go with your initial gut response, but my initial gut response was often “none of the above” - not an option
For me, on many questions I found that none of the canned responses were appropriate. I found the questions and answer choices simplistic, they were certainly not DEEP. It only got harder as I went through the questionnaire and began to suss out the patterns - my interest in the pychometrics interfered with my own responses 
Suggestion to eHarmony - easy research opportunity - provide an “other” option and allow us to fill in our own answers. Even if you cannot match us, you may be able to use the data to improve the questionnaire in the future - even come up with new categories (in the spirit of continuous improvement - surely you don’t think you’re perfect already?)
On a more critical note, I have also read some interviews with the founder that discuss screen-out criteria. Because I honestly answered that I did not feel supported by my parents and did not have a particularly happy childhood, for example, eHarmony deems me a poor match. Apparently the sins of the parents are retained by the adult child, according to eHarmony. Doesn’t matter why, or how you as an individual have dealt with it. You couldn’t possibly be a better person because of it.
Or maybe that’s an indicator of being “obstreperous” - what a hilarious term - damn straight, I WANT to change the world. No polyanna here. So if you are content with the current social order, want to be your parents, and have never been sad or blue - eHarmony’s for you. As for me, I want a REJECTED tee shirt to wear with pride.
Alcibiades :
Date: June 17, 2007 @ 6:20 pm
Jill,
Your comment got me thinking. First off, let’s consider what eHarmony’s basic purpose is. If one believes Dr. Warren’s incredibly saccharine pitch, eHarmony is all about bringing people together with their 29 dimensions of compatibility. On the other hand, I’d wager it’s probably all about the money.
Now, you said that when you took the test, you couldn’t help but notice that it was, for lack of a better word, trying to pigeonhole you in various ways for the sake of matching you up with supposedly compatible people. Ultimately, the test rejected you, probably on the surface for the ‘lack of consistency’ mentioned as one of the reasons for disqualification in the Post’s article. On the other hand, you could say that the test’s ‘canned’ responses made it appear silly and more appropriate as an object of study than as a tool for finding love. In other words, the test was smart enough to figure out that you’re someone who would consider eHarmony’s 29 dimensions of compatibility nothing more than psycho-babble dreamed up to convince those who are more than willing to pigeonhole themselves that there are other, errr, pigeons out there with who they are compatible 29 times over. Whew.
I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head with your comment. eHarmony can’t really offer ‘personal’ personality matching, because they’re all about psychometrics. They might find two people who are matching in personality type according to the stats, and who both put ’sports’ as a major interest, but there’s no guarantee they won’t end up matching two people who hate each other eternally because one’s a Yankees fan and the other cheers for the Red Sox.
Transitoria :
Date: June 19, 2007 @ 1:40 am
Another e-Harmony reject checking in with an opinion. After watching the recent ads, I have come to the conclusion that I am too intelligent. None of the people who populate their commercials have the least bit of appeal for me.
However, in all fairness to e-Harmony, I had originally tried Match.com and was gravely disappointed. When I filled out the form for my “perfect match”, I was informed that no such person existed in the US. Thinking it was my interest in Spanish that was throwing things off, I expanded the search to include Mexico and Spain. I received the same answer, no perfect match.
The good news is that I did go on to find my own “perfect match” without the help of the internet. We enjoyed a multi-faceted, positive and loving relationship all the way up to the day he died, thirteen months later.
I think I’ve given up dating.
Harold :
Date: June 30, 2007 @ 1:55 am
I was rejected by that site as well, from what I could tell it was because I was too intelligent and spontaneous for their taste. They only accept robots that follow the crowd and are extremely shallow in personality.
Alcibiades Would Never Blog. » Blog Archive » Buy me an eHarmony membership! :
Date: July 14, 2007 @ 11:48 am
[...] commercial. I took eHarmony’s loooong test, and got ‘in’ to the club. After blogging about my experience, and a little about why eHarmony supposedly rejects people, I got a bunch of comments, not to [...]
Larry Madill :
Date: November 26, 2007 @ 8:46 pm
Actually I think the biggest reason eHarmony rejects people is because they simply don’t want Agnostics or Atheists joining. I took the personality twice; once with my natural inclination of being Agnostic, one claiming to be a Christian and a Methodist.
Guess which one got rejected?
I blogged about it here:
http://www.larrymadill.com/2007/11/eharmony-not-really-for-you.html
Alcibiades :
Date: December 6, 2007 @ 9:43 am
Larry,
I hate to disagree, but I’m as atheistic as they come, and I was very clear about that on my survey. I also indicated I didn’t want to be matched with anyone who had strong religious beliefs. eHarmony seemed to have no problem with that. Perhaps you also changed some other answers to be more ‘Christian’ in your responses…I would love to know if you actually gave all the same answers EXCEPT for that one question, in which case I’d say you have a pretty damn good case…
Idetrorce :
Date: December 15, 2007 @ 8:10 am
very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
Idetrorce
Amobius Tek :
Date: February 9, 2008 @ 11:23 pm
LOL!
You E Harmony nazis really crack me up! How much is that old guy from the television paying you to browse the web for people expressing their views on the Eharmony “selection process”
Anyone who would pay cash money to someone else just to hook them up with another person in the desperate hopes of actually getting married is a weirdo imo.
The only thing weirder than that, is how there appears to be some sort of “movement” between the “followers” of these various sites , with al the heel nipping and back biting going on, I’m surprised anyone can get a real use out of the websites.
So, while these freaks are out there lying their ways through a psycho sodomizing character aptitude exam, I’ll be out in PUBLIC finding a date, the old fashioned way…the way it’s been done throughout the ages….
Get a life…
With kindest regards….Amobius Tek
Amobius Tek :
Date: February 9, 2008 @ 11:29 pm
And by the way I mean NO OFFENSE, to you , CREATOR of this blog….honestly I dont…I hope you are able to find a dat girl you hear me? You get out there and I know youll find the right person.
You take care of yourself
Mobius
Alcibiades :
Date: February 10, 2008 @ 9:23 pm
Amobius Tek,
Why would that offend me? Did you read the article?
Denise :
Date: February 15, 2008 @ 5:07 am
I recently joined eHarmony and I have to say that I’ve been pretty satisfied with the process. I can confidently say that I am not shallow, religious or stupid, as many of you would suggest to be the common attributes of those who have been accepted by the website. I attended a prestigious university, am very knowledgeable and passionate about the world and clearly marked on the questionnaire that I was an atheist and that I would not want to be matched with someone who was very religious. My childhood, though not entirely traumatic, was also not ideal and I honestly answered all questions pertaining to it. My roommate also signed up and according to you guys, she should not have been accepted. She is an atheist doctor who had a very difficult childhood and a terrible relationship with her father. However, she is a beautiful, intelligent and all-around wonderful person in spite of her hardships. She receives at least 3 matches per day.
I have only been on this site for a month, though, but the people I have met so far have been successful, seemingly kind, intelligent and I have gotten along remarkably well with all of them. I have tried match.com in the past and was very disappointed with the process. It seemed more like a meat market than a serious dating site. The three dates I had off match.com were definitely NOT matches and not people who I would even want to associate with, let alone be in a relationship with. On eHarmony, however, I can totally imagine being at least friends with most of the people I have talked to.
Many of you reek of sour grapes, in my humble opinion.
And for the record, I agree that eHarmony should not exclude homosexual people from their site. I have many gay friends whose hearts are more pure than most straight people I have come across in my life and it IS wrong of eHarmony to reject people based on sexuality. Reject someone for being a “whore” (male & female), not for being gay.
Joe :
Date: February 16, 2008 @ 8:11 pm
Here’s an idea:
It’s their site, and they can do what they want. Much like any other privately-owned business, they can refuse service to anyone they please, for whatever reason they please.
Get over your “too intelligent” self and get a life.
Alcibiades :
Date: February 19, 2008 @ 10:06 am
Um Joe, companies can’t do that. That’s why there’s a handicapped spot in front of your local McDonald’s, and also why we no longer need ‘colored’ and ‘white’ separate lunch counters. I, for one, am happy with the changes…
Denise, I think your argument nicely supplements what I said in the article about eHarmony–that it prefers well-balanced people who are capable of making an emotional commitment to another person. I’d caution you not to confuse someone’s tough past with current psychoses–after all, not everyone who is beaten by their parents goes on to beat their children (to use a somewhat simplistic example). If your roommate is as you describe her, then there’s no reason she shouldn’t be on eHarmony looking for love–but if you’d described her as someone who hates all men because of her past negative experiences with her father, then perhaps it’s not fair to the men on eHarmony to match them with someone who isn’t really ready to give them a fair chance, but in fact is looking for some sort of subconscious vengeance through dating. Maybe I’m being too harsh; I hope you respond and let me know what you think….it’s nice to read a comment of more than 4 lines that doesn’t have myriad spelling errors and/or racial epithets in it.
@ Denise :
Date: February 22, 2008 @ 3:22 pm
The site rejects homosexuals for a reason: the site’s ultimate goal is to get people together to marry, and gay people don’t usually get married. The founder says he has no info on gay marriage, but he has worked for years with straight married couples, and that’s how he came up with the questionnaire.
To others who have complained: since the site is about marriage, if you don’t seem interested in it, then you will be rejected.
cathijo: :
Date: February 27, 2008 @ 12:27 pm
I have long been curious about the e-harmony “rejection” issue and was interested to read every one’s comments. I never tried E-harmony. When I completed some surveys on Match.com a few years ago I received feedback that only 3% of the male population would be interested in dating me. No worries- I found love on my own and have been happily involved now for almost 4 years. Has anyone ever noticed that the Eharmony ads and their website don’t feature any interracial couples?
Leah :
Date: March 8, 2008 @ 3:23 am
I don’t know what to say. I feel bad for you guys but for me- I had success on eharmony i.e. got matched with someone in two months and within that year we got married. I’m 42 and he is 40. I am college educated and was not desperate to meet someone. I thought I’d be single the rest of my life and was ok with that.
I am artsy by nature and have had my share of ups and downs in life. I was honest with the questions and I didn’t paint myself as “lily-white” either but I do have I guess more traditional beliefs.
I CAN say this- my husband lived over 3 hours away from me. I did try eharmony a few years ago but really didn’t want to meet anyone more then a hour drive. I wasn’t getting many matches.
I think you have to take in consideration the guy who started this site is a Christian therapist or something so he did design it apparently with some boundries that would be more biblical I suppose.
If you are still married or practice some kind of alternative lifestyle- chances are based on the founders beliefs and the program- it probably isn’t the site for you.
Maybe some people see this as wrong but there are other sites out there that would better meet your needs. There ARE less strict sites as far as lifestyles, marriage etc.
I am aware of a number of married people who did meet on eharmony so there IS something good about this site! Everytime I tell someone how I met my husband they seem to know someone else who hooked up on eharmony too- usually married as well.
One more thing. If your expectations in meeting someone are really rigid- it is going to limit who you are going to be matched up with. I have really high standards in a lot of ways however my husband isn’t a college graduated although I have 2 degrees. (He’s a hell of a lot smarter than I am in many ways!)
We have different interests but we do share core values and THAT is what made our relationship work.
Eharmony may just not be for you. Try not to take it so personal! Move on and try another site but don’t dog it just because it didn’t work for you- it does and has worked for a number of couples!
Fern R :
Date: March 13, 2008 @ 2:48 am
Um Joe, companies can’t do that. That’s why there’s a handicapped spot in front of your local McDonald’s, and also why we no longer need ‘colored’ and ‘white’ separate lunch counters. I, for one, am happy with the changes…
I hate to break it to you, but yes they can. There are specific laws that mandate handicapped parking access and prohibit segregation, but there is no federal law that prevents a dating service from discriminating against gay people or a person the company feels is ill-suited to a long-term relationship. Not all forms of discrimination or are illegal.
Alcibiades :
Date: March 14, 2008 @ 1:19 pm
@Fern,
I am aware of that. But Joe’s point is that a ‘private’ company can refuse anyone service for any reason. My point is that that is not the case–certain groups of people are protected against being denied services based solely on their race, gender, etc. Furthermore, many states have passed laws preventing smoking in ‘private’ bars, just as states have passed anti-discrimination legislation against denying homosexuals jobs based on their sexual orientation. My point to Joe was simply that being a private business does not allow you complete freedom to choose who to serve and whom to refuse service to based on classifications of race, orientation, or handicap. Hence the ramps, which allow someone in a wheelchair access to the store (a law) and the ability of the storeowner at the other side of that ramp to refuse service to the handicapped individual for a completely unrelated reason, say because he or she was incredibly drunk and demanding another drink. Finally, while it is not federal law that sexual orientation is a protected class, there is an executive order in place that amounts to the same thing on the national level.
Marco :
Date: March 22, 2008 @ 1:19 pm
eHarmony?!!! bunch of biggots if you ask me…
eHarmony Reject :
Date: April 1, 2008 @ 8:57 pm
I think those who came up with the too-intelligent theory were probably not considering “graduated from a prestigious university” as their definition of “too intelligent.” Shoot: everybody I know graduated from a prestigious university. Are there people who didn’t? Okay, I exaggerate.
I suspect the too-intelligent theory is aimed more at the “graduated in the top 10% of my class from Cal Tech or Harvard Law School or both” people. The exclusion of whom is perhaps not such a silly move on eHarmony’s part. People who are quite smart tend to be quirky and unpredictable: two things which make us very difficult to understand with simple computer algorithms. Also somewhat picky, and with a dangerous tendency to find a significant number of people — even ones who graduated from prestigious universities (wow!) — bland and a bit stupid.
Jack :
Date: April 27, 2008 @ 9:44 am
I was rejected. I have a masters in chemistry from the University of Virginia and I graduated with a 3.6 GPA (above average). I’m heterosexual, divorced, no children, and a reasonably well-adjusted individual who likes animals, and children.
I really have no idea why I was rejected by eharmony but it is just as well because I would not want to participate in something in which I am not well-suited.
Perhaps I can find love another way or just forgo the whole thing and further develop other aspects of my life. It may have been nice to have a wife and a family but I guess it just may not be in the cards for me.
Someone :
Date: June 1, 2008 @ 3:37 am
FIRST of all…People should really look into things properly before jumping to conclusions.
There is a reason for the rejections, all of them (fact is, rejection happens in life PERIOD. Doesn’t mean you’re hopeless, or the dating site is ‘not right’ on the spot.)
Understand that the creator of eHarmony, Neil Clark Warren, is a ‘grandfatherly moral’ if not traditional faithful believer. His background, or religion, is Christianity (Okay, that right away should explain why he doesn’t promote gays and lesbians, but the reason lies with his lack of experience in that field. Yes, aiding homosexual relationships differ from that of heterosexuals.)
It has nothing to do with religion. He has faithfully left that out, thankfully for a more peaceful outcome to the audience of the world. (Members of eHarmony range from atheist to wiccans.) So that assumption is out the window.
Warren’s goal is to match those with an intent of marriage. Marriage is actually the point in general of the site, from what I interpret of his words. For that reason, I understand why those under 21 aren’t allowed on the site (It just makes sense, right?) Especially when dealing with a creator who’s more traditional and desires your relationship to be meaningful. Age plays a part. If it didn’t, you’d have a bunch of 16 year olds legally drinking (of course, we have those, but it isn’t legal here).
Warren also intends to run a project for not matching members who intend to marry, but to IMPROVE marriages as a whole.
Being rejected from eHarmony doesn’t mean they’re saying you won’t find your soul-mate. Both a moral-backbone from its creator, and an excellent business proposal on the market (eHarmony is the 4th largest dating service on the internet), the site is not without its targeted audience and purpose.
So please, you’re not any ‘lesser’ of a person able to find love than those who are accepted. Don’t feel bad, or hold a grudge for this web site.
Just try to be more understanding of how this old friendly-face man think and believes.
Don’t believe me?
He tells it all here.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2005-05-18-eharmony_x.htm
Wiserone :
Date: June 29, 2008 @ 9:02 am
Well, the first time I took the eHarmony test/quiz/whatever, I was rejected. So, I immediately went back on and took it again, answering their questions how I “thought” they would want them answered. And, ta-da, I was immediately accepted. Then of course, they kept matching me with someone way outside my age range, and there is a default with that they won’t let you get around, besides I don’t want to date someone ten years older than me, no matter what eHarmony thinks and also no matter what mile radius I also input, I get matches that live in other states. eHarmony is a scam and please don’t get me started on their whole “soulmate” thing. I’d rather have a soul “partner”.
Yet another reject... :
Date: July 15, 2008 @ 10:32 pm
I am yet another who eHarmony has cast out into the dark, cold wasteland of singledom.
This blog was very helpful in giving me some insight into why I was rejected, however (at least one site was helpful). Some of the reasoning of you bloggers withstands scrutiny (especially illuminating were Jill’s comments). Other theories, while plausable, don’t. Here are my results, and an attempt to explain how I’ve taken the comments on the blog and tried to apply them to my results. By the way… we wouldn’t be having this conversation if eHarmony would just come out and tell us why we are rejected! I mean, you’ve already rejected me, might as well tell me why.
First, the easy parts: I’m single (never married), 27, and male. Obviously, and for good reason, if you are married and very young (let’s face it, 21 is a little too young to be thinking about marriage), then you won’t be matched. I do not fall into either category.
Religious faith: I answered that I was agnostic, not atheist, and that I didn’t much care about my mate’s religiousity. However, it seems that this isn’t a dispositive criterion for rejection, because the site apparently welcomes both atheists and the deeply devout with open arms.
Intelligence: Of course I’m the smartest person I know, and if people don’t get me it’s because I’m obviously too damn intelligent! Their peon brains can’t keep pace with the depth and complexity of my thoughts.
Honestly, I just don’t buy this explanation. Maybe some correlation exists between intelligence and rate of rejection, but intelligence is, imho, too nebulous and complex of a concept to directly explain why a person is or is not one of the chosen. At the very least, its complexity makes it unhelpful as a predictor. Also, the couples on the ads are there to sell the product. I’d venture they aren’t representative of the typical user.
Finally, personality type: In each of the dimensions I was in the middle of the road. Like Jill, after reading each canned question I thought “well, that depends…” I tried to answer the questions quickly, but with each answer I could easily think of a time when I did or didn’t “feel like socializing with others.” I wanted to give nuanced answers, but alas, was forced to rate myself 1-6, or in some cases, even worse: “true or false.” As a result, I’m guessing my answers probably seemed like they were all over the place.
At first I was offended that the octogenarian bible thumper told me I wasn’t good enough for his site. But I have too many meaningful relationships with friends and family to believe that I’m sociopathic or unlovable. Therefore, I will press onward, with $60 more dollars in my pocket.
Kate :
Date: August 2, 2008 @ 7:58 pm
My DH and I met on eharmony. For what it’s worth, we’re both liberals, never married, straight, late 20s atheists. Everyone I dated was at least agnostic, if not an atheist.
Sorry about all the rejections… but if it’s not for you, it’s not for you. Good thing there are plenty of other dating sites out there.
Francesca :
Date: August 24, 2008 @ 5:04 pm
The whole concept rubs me the wrong way. I think we grow/learn from being around people different from ourselves. If I wanted to be with someone exactly like me, which yes is what their insufferable ads suggest, I’d just date myself. (See the wonderful SNL spoofs of this.) I always loved the old movies where the feuding couples at the end grow from each other and realize their love for each other because their differences kind of balance each other out. (And pre-relativists that they were, they even sometimes realize-God forbid-one of them is wrong.)
What strikes me most, is that all eharmony is doing is providing a dating service for wimpy self-indulgent, serial daters. It’s called eHARMONY after all-all relationships have discord-if you’re not willing to be up for that-you can’t make a relationship last-you just say we’re too different, it’s not working, or some other self-serving BS, and bye bye.
I miss the 80s and 90s when dating was rightly considered pathetic and basically whoring yourself.
eHarmony review :
Date: October 14, 2008 @ 12:15 am
I too tried to get “rejected” from eHarmony, with little to no success.
Although I could find no reliable way to get rejected, I did find an interesting tidbit:
The quickest way to get little to no “matches” is to say that you do not have a college degree.
My little brother signed up for eHarmony a few months ago and he works in construction. As such, he does not have his college degree and the range of matches was much more limited than what was presented to me: A 30 year old college graduate with her Doctorate.
Just goes to show you….some people in life are more concerned with what you look like on paper, than the true inner being that exists inside you. My little brother is one of the nicest guys around and will make a great husband one day….whereas I am probably the worlds biggest b@*$@ and when you look up the word “jaded” in the dictionary, there lies a picture of me.
Wednesday :
Date: October 25, 2008 @ 1:11 am
Answer all the questions like Wednesday Adams (i.e. that you’re not a perky person) - I think this is why I got rejected. They don’t want depressed people, I think. How many Americans are on anti-depressants again?
michael :
Date: November 11, 2008 @ 5:49 am
thank you eHarmony. well done.
Colleen :
Date: December 28, 2008 @ 1:09 am
I have never tried internet interaction to meet people, but I was thinking that I just may give it a try. After reading for the last 2 hours and researching if I really wanted to try this option “you all” have helped me make up my mind. I am thinking that I will stay single and not dating. I am laughing to myself, because after reading your stories it seems much easier to just stay single. I am a Christian, but non-denominational and I think I’ll just carry on and hope that God puts the man I’m supposed to be with in my path of life. Good luck to you all.
Joseph :
Date: January 3, 2009 @ 12:52 pm
I am glad that eharmony rejects people. Who wants to pay for a service and get matched up with a nutcase? Get over yourselves people. This isn’t myspace, people pay money for this.
A Realist :
Date: January 9, 2009 @ 12:07 pm
I got rejected. So did my mother, apparently, though it took her later, after she started taking antidepressants, and hooked her up with an atheist. I’m not a ray of sunshine, though unlike her, I’m not manic depressive or suffering from any personality disorders. I’m just a realist. I see things the way they are and approach problems from a logical standpoint. I don’t score low on any of the aforementioned categories, except for possibly marginally low on family background, but that’s not really my fault, is it? I’m not married and never have been… so what’s wrong with me? is eHarmony trying to tell me that there can be no soul-mate for someone that has no close family ties?
missiblue :
Date: February 2, 2009 @ 5:46 pm
I was also rejected but I don’t think it had to with the fact I am disabled. but isn’t it amazing they don’t really give you a reason as to why they rejected isn’t there some case or somthing being done about this crap?
cathy :
Date: February 14, 2009 @ 9:14 pm
i was just rejected by eHarmony and i can’t figure out why…i’m not religious, maybe that’s why. i’m not crazy or anything…only married once…maybe its because i chose the smallest radius for searches - maybe if i’d kept that answer at the default “Country” the odds of matching me would be withint their realm - that’s the only thing i can figure.
oh well…
Matt :
Date: May 6, 2009 @ 5:24 pm
Wow… some seriously nasty comments here. If you really think eHarmony’s rejection process saves you from dating potential psychos I’ve got a bridge to sell you.
Scott :
Date: June 12, 2009 @ 10:00 pm
I was rejected forever ago when I took it when I was bored, I don’t remember any of the details. I don’t think it’s a problem though, they’re offering a service and they can deny it if they want, there’s plenty of other sites anyways.
Though I find some of these comments pretty funny. I’d think people who need to pay money to meet people would be less judgmental.